I haven’t seen the new Star Wars yet, but am completely caught up in the fever. This isn’t about that.

It’s about using bikes to overcome fear and create community.

While on an awesome bike ride last June, my good friend JT and I started talking about cyclocross. Specifically, what we could do to encourage more women to race cross, ourselves included. And how to have steller looking kits. (very important) All it took was a couple ladies and some beer support and Dirt Birds was born, with the specific goal of more women racing more often.

Fast forward to West Sac Grand Prix, the first local CX race. Our kits had arrived and we had at least one bird racing in all categories. This was going to be an exciting day! There was still a world outside bike racing though, and it was getting hot. On the way home from Stockton the Wednesday before, I saw a cloud of smoke over the San Andreas area. Driving Highway 49 to work the next day the road was clogged with smoke and all I saw was fire trucks and crews. The Butte Fire would eventually spread throughout the Mokelumne River Canyon and surrounding areas. Calaveras Unified School District, my employeer, cancelled school for the next day and the entire week after because so many students and staff had to be evacuated.

Our bike community found its own way to support. Many of my friends generously donated money to buy dog and cat food for the animals being housed in evacuation centers. We put quite a lot of food in my truck!

I woke up the day of WSCXGP excited about my new team and racing, but my heart was still with my students and friends effected by the fire. This did not lead to a good race. There was one hill that I could not figure out. I kept getting near the top and then stalling out and tipping over. This was very frustrating and scary, and lead to a debilitating negative thought spiral. I could not escape this spiral and I gave up. The only thought keeping me from a DNF was that Dirt Birds had a “one race” requirement. If I just finished this race, I didn’t have to race anymore for the season and could still be on the team next year. So I finished. In tears. Convinced I was a terrible rider and it wasn’t worth racing my bike ever again. In short, afraid.

I really wanted to give up. Then I remembered that one of my teammates had also gone through a bad wreck and severe concussion, and she was crushing it this year. I reached out to Woodpecker (we all have our own spirit bird) about my own wreck and the long term effects it could be having on racing and crashing. I got some great support and strategies to escape the negative thought spiral and started picking up the pieces in time for Sac CX.

With the support of the CX community, I started to overcome the fear. Fear that I would crash, that I wasn’t good enough, that I was wasting my time. I got to race the Sagebrush series at Trukee Bike Park. This was a very scary course. I was scared the year before, because of the bike park and the deep gravel, and I was scared again this year. But I was not going to skip this race. I remembered racing with Erica there last year, and she would never have let fear stop her from doing anything.

So Woodpecker and I headed up the hill to Trukee and this ended up being one of my favorite races of the year! It’s impossible not to smile when you’re in a big banked turn looking down or pumping through the short sections. Just all around fun on the bike. And our team sponser, Flylow Dan, was out there racing and cheering and we had a great group at the burger joint after.

Finally, a revelation. I did some figure 8 drills, prescribed by the Jedi master. I started to relish the pain of racing and sprinting the barriers. I realized that never giving up was its own motivation. The mud taught me that. Conditions that make it hard for everyone. I was inspired by the motivational messages on my socks.  Continued support from family, teammates, friends, really everyone in the CX family. And eventually, I wasn’t afraid anymore. Or if I did meet fear, I had the mental toolbox to turn it into opportunity.

Dirt Birds co-founder JT and I ended up battling it out for a podium spot in the series overall. And as another Jedi Master likes to say, if you can’t win, beat a friend. Our races were close and exciting on those last few courses, especially under the lights at Sac Raceway.

But the end result never mattered. The best reason to be racing cyclocross is always the people. The CX Family.

Thanks to everyone for support and belief.

Here’s my “mental toolbox.” These are some of the phrases or ideas, and their origens, that inspire me and help to get out of a negative thought spiral:

• We always underestimate ourselves (log hopping with Sparrow at Miller Park)
• You Got This (socks by The Athletic)
• This is supposed to be fun!    but…
• There’s no smiling in Cyclocross.  (The Heckle Master)
• All the Dirt Birds
• Remembering that the course is a living thing (Adam describing the tide at Miller Park)
• Stace Cooper just in general

And thanks for reading.

Cheers!